All posts by tofo

At This Point, the Bears Have to Sign Wes Welker

August 27, 2015UncategorizedChicago Bears, Jay Cutler, Marc Mariani, Marc Mariani's Disgusting Leg, Marc Mariani's Hot Wife, Wes Welkertofo

Here is the Chicago Bears current #1 Receiver:

Oh you don’t recognize the face of Montana product, Marc Mariani? My guess is you DO recognize the only thing Marc Mariani is known for:

Wrong! It’s not his trophy wife… it’s this:

GROSS. How disgusting is that? At one point in his life, this dude had his foot connected to the rest of his leg ONLY by the power of cotton. Yuck.

Any way, look at this shit show of a depth chart:

Just wow. Any time your selection of WRs makes the Raiders go, “dude, what the fuck is going on over there?” you know you’re in some serious ass trouble.

Don’t give me that look. I get that they’ve been decimated by injuries, but that’s why you have to dig up the card board cut-out of Wes Welker, give him a couple of Mollys and let him run!

Looking at that picture and not smiling is like being on the 49ers and not raping or DUI-ing.

There are some guys that should be on the street in the next week or two currently on NFL rosters (Hakeem Nicks and Justin Hunter come to mind) that could help you, so I get it if that’s the route they want to take. All jokes aside, the Life-Size Fat Head of Wes Welker (only $99!) at least presumably knows Adam Gase’s playbook and would be another option for an offense that still has some decent pieces left. Besides, Jay Cutler needs all the fucking help he can get.

Josh McCown Absolutely Can’t Start, Even for the Browns

August 24, 2015GeneralCleveland Browns, Fun Bad, Johnny Manziel, Josh McCown, Quarterbacktofo

Josh McCown Sucks. I mean, just look at this shit:

That’s 4 Bills Players around 1 Browns Player.

Don’t get me wrong — I know what you’re thinking! Manziel sucks too!

I agree with you 100%. The Browns are stuck somewhere between a rock and a hard dick. When faced with choosing 2 bad players, you ALWAYS take the one further to the right on the Fun/Bad continuum (See Below, with Jay Cutler added as a reference point — slightly better but even less fun than McCown).

Here’s another clip (Start at 40 seconds for his second terrible pick)… and these don’t even show how many times he threw into quadruple coverage and it simply got batted down. McCown is coming from throwing to a basketball team at his last two stops and looks like he’s still in that mode. Hawkins may have the coolest agility ladder videos on the internet but he is 5’9″ bro. Relax.

So Browns: do the significantly more fun thing and start Johnny Manziel so we can all look forward to watching him run around in circles and (hopefully!) bring back the “gimmie that money” celebration by week 6.